Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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