i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
