mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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