I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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