I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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