Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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