Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
