Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
