I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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