I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
