Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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