you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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