I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Life is so much better after having sex.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize