We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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