You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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