I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
