so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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