Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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