I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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