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all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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