yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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