How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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