You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
