Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
sarcasm needs its own font
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
BRING THE BAGELS
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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