That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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