My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
