well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
