I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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