matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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