I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
