I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
