it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
