I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
