I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
