I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
