is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Are we still banned from the library?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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