Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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