Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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