apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
