good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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