Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
