Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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