you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
