You really coming over, don't trick.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize