She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Are we still banned from the library?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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