how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
