Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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