I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
