Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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