New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
