hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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