i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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