omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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