Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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