someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
