Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
