Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
