just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Houston, we have a blender
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
