Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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