my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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