The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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