Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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