swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
