Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
