i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
