I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
