capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Let's paint friendship bongs
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
