The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
