I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
