I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
